Love is War

Our most basic and yet most vital instinct embedded deep within our brains in concerned with one thing and one thing only: procreating or ensuring the survival of the species. Even though we do not know it, when we see an individual of the opposite sex, we are sizing them up or rather, we are curious as to if they would suffice as a future mate. Granted, all of that is subjective, as we all look for different characteristics while eye raping an individual. During the era of the caveman thousands upon thousands of years ago, this process was much the same, but getting to the point of “getting the job done” was a lot easier, to be blunt. Fact is, our brains were smaller then, and hence we never had the capacity to think too much into the matter. But sadly that has changed; love has turned into the new World War between the sexes or what I like to call, “the game.”

Being that I am alive and am a man, it is sufficient to assume that I have “struck out” a time or ten thousand in my day (sober and inebriated). Through all of these manic collapses, I have come to the conclusion, as has every other male on this planet, that women somehow evolved beyond us in regards to controlling when this “action” occurs (I blame Midol and that godforsaken sitcom, “Sex and the City”). This so called “game” consists of many aspects and rules, which I have constructed from my vast experiences with the opposite sex. These rules include, (1) Don’t talk to a man first, (2) Don’t stare at a man or talk too much, (3) Don’t call him, or rarely return his calls, (4) Don’t accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday, (5) Always end the date first, (6) Don’t see him more than once or twice a week, (7) Lie consistently, (8) Don’t discuss “the game” with your shrink, and (9) Don’t go “Dutch” on a date; make him pick you up.

Like most things in the world, there is a serious lack of logic in “the game.” This lack of logic either dumbfounds the guy or simply turns a guy off to the prospect of even talking to a woman. It is because of “the game” that my hypothesis that all women are bat shit crazy has been proven wrong and instead has been turned into a paradigm. Personally, I wouldn’t trust a woman who abides by the paradigm with my prodigy, much less a bean bag. For example, “Dutch dating” simply implies that the man should have to pay for everything (meals, flowers, etc…). If I totaled up the amount of capital that I have pissed away, err spent on women, I would be able to afford a supercharger for the true love of my life (funny how a complex machine makes me happy). As a matter of fact, I might just send out a few invoices later on to recoup my financial losses.

Now, if women were to discuss the paradigm known as “the game” in their weekly therapy sessions (they should all seek help if you ask me), this wouldn’t be a problem at all. But women cling to these rules like a sloth clings to a tree for dear life. I wouldn’t be a man if I didn’t admit that I have analyzed a “Cosmo” or two while on the throne and oddly enough, “the game” seems to be a key component to each and every issue. This my friends is why love is war; it is as if society has turned us into warring parties over nothing (Cold War). The Cold War could have very well spelled doom for everyone, much less the planet. I know that all we need right now is even more people to piss up the planet, but if “the game” continues, I fear that we shall go extinct as a species (I’m joking, but you get the point). Knock it off!